Please note: this is satire. This is only satire. And as a point of background, on a thread in the past week where we were discussing Nancy’s inexplicable defense of Kevin Jennings, the “safe schools” czar famous for his efforts to teach school children various “safe sex” practices including “safe fisting”, reader Dopelganger coined the mocking name “Loves a Good Fisting”. In general, any spicy language in this piece is in one way or another a reference to something once said at the 1.0 place.
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I happened to be down in LA behind the LA Times building this weekend, and couldn’t resist a good dumpster dive. Well, lo and behold. When Savage did a thread on the final version of the story, little did he realize how much editing went into it. Here is the original version, before the editors did their thing:
Nancy Johnson’s LGF website once was devoted to writing about the ‘Loony Left.’ Now he prefers to talk to the little people in his thumb drive.
By James Looney
January 8, 2010
Back when he built his LGF website into a favorite of the RINO right, Nancy Johnson liked to write about the “Loony Left” and “Bush Derangement Syndrome.” Now he’s got a serious case of Rush Derangement Syndrome.
He would pair accounts of extremist violence with sarcastic headlines about Islam, the “Religion of Peace.” A 2006 anti-war rally in Washington went down as an “Idiotfest” and boobs-not-bombs sagger Cinder Shaheed “Mama Moonbat.”
Imagine the surprise among RINOs to learn — in a series of postings over nearly the last two years, and then in an official declaration of estrangement a little more than a month ago — that their pet hippy really was a hippy. And even more shocking was when he insisted on defending 9/11truther and Obama’s back-to-the-stone-age czar Van Jones, and Obama’s fisting czar Kevin Jennings. Criticism of these czars made Nancy particularly butthurt.
Johnson’s posting on Nov. 30, “Why I Parted Ways with The RINOs,” created a maelstrom in some corners of the blogosphere and the Twitterverse. Onetime hyperlinking pals have called him a tyrant and a traitor. Earlier, one had questioned his sanity. And then a few more. And then a lot more. And finally a stampede of flouncers bolting for the exit like someone yelled “fire” in a crowded theater. It wasn’t pretty. [deleted] here, [deleted] there; the flounce craters were all over the overnight threads. And when it was all over, only the mooniest bats remained in the stinking, smoldering wreckage of a mootbat cave all carpeted in lunar guano.
In Johnson’s mind, he has not really changed but merely shifted his drug of choice. Where once he was preoccupied with internet traffic, staking out a hawkish, pro-military position to attract hits, he now spends more time focusing on his socialist views, and gripes with RINOs who disagree. “I like to think,” he told me this week, “I break political wind.”
But he is not resting on his laurels, or his hardeys. As I talked to Johnson in his cell, an alert flashed on one of his two super-dooper giant monster humongousoidly awesome high-tech computer monitors. An angry screed targeting him on another website concluded: “I think Mr. Johnson’s home might be infested with hippeth. Anybody got his address? Signed, E. Cartman.” Johnson said “See? See? The Giant Monitor of Death is displaying all of those threats from this Giant Death Threat Correlator Tool Thingy right here!”. What a genius, I thought. Turning an Atari 400 into a correlator tool.
Such veiled threats are at least one reason why Johnson, 56, relocated not long ago. He remains in the Los Angeles area, but now is in a gated community on a hospital grounds. This has given him a serious case of blogger’s butt, since they won’t let him ride his bike.
The man who once decried vitriol spread on socialist websites now says: “The kinds of hate mail and the kinds of attacks I am getting from the right wing are way beyond anything I got when I was criticizing the left or even radical Islam. Just look at this! Somebody threatened to yank my ponytail”! Just then, a couple of nurses arrived to administer the afternoon meds. “No, no, not the red ones; I want the needle in the butt!”, he pleaded, as I stepped out for a smoke.
Since the 2001 founding of LGF, Johnson and the website have epitomized the ability of the lone wolf, armed with no formal journalistic training but with an ability to evade Blinky, Pinky, Inky and Clyde for hours and an obsessive sense of self worth to earn a high profile on the political blogosphere. “I did all of this”, he said. “Me, and Stinky, and some of my other friends. I keep them all here on this little thumb drive. But mostly me. I’m the most important. KKKilgore doesn’t live on my thumb drive. He lives in the tool”.
Johnson’s internal metrics show he routinely gets more than 100,000 page views a day. A couple of outside analytics firms put LGF’s unique monthly visitors between 37,000 and umm…scratch that last sentence. Moving right along…
Those aren’t huge numbers, but LGF provokes an outsized conversation on the blogosphere whenever Johnson makes a jackass of himself to drum up attention. Johnson proudly announced this week that his site had passed the 8-million comment mark, of which 7.8 million were made by commenters now banned. “I’m going to have to have a talk with Stinky”, he said. “Where’s the thumb with Stinky in it? He’s going to have to stop banning so many flouncers, or there won’t be anybody left but my friends in the drive. And KKKilgore. He’s in my tool”.
Before his Web adventures, Johnson made his living as a professional guitarist, playing with singer Al Jarreau and bassist Stanley Clarke, among others. A gold record that he cut with George Duke (when Johnson went by the nickname “Icarus”) hangs on his cell wall. He wouldn’t say why he called himself “Icarus”.
An interest in Atari games got him into computers and, in turn, into website design. This is why the LGF website looks like a green version of Pacman. Loves a Good Fisting (He will say the name derives from “an incident in my youth, with a band in Japan.” Nothing more.) was initially an experiment to understand the new avocation of “weblogging.” “At first, I thought they were saying “webfrogging, and it sounded interesting. It didn’t turn out to be as fun as I expected, but it did make enough spare change to feed the hamsters, which I also have uses for”, he said. One of Johnson’s online alter-egos is Stinky Beaumont. Johnson also declined to explain where that name came from, but it may date to around the same time.
Once a relatively apolitical Democrat, he said the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks changed the blog’s readership dramatically. He began to devote short threads to researching and writing about Islamic extremists. “I read that they would pack explosives inside of donkeys, and I had to know more”, he said.
Johnson got a burst of big media attention shortly before the 2004 election, when he was one of the first bloggers to challenge the authenticity of the memos that CBS News said proved President Bush had gotten favored treatment in the Texas Air National Guard.
Using a basic Microsoft Word program, after being tipped off by some of his currently banned regular commentors, Johnson typed in one of the CBS memos and compared the result with the one allegedly produced on a typewriter in 1972. Images of the two nearly identical documents blinked back and forth on LGF, devastating Dan Rather’s claims of the memos’ legitimacy.
Another scoop came a couple of years later, when another of Johnson’s banned commentors’ eye for computer manipulation helped him expose a Reuters photograph that had been doctored, showing damage that wasn’t done by the Israeli military. The Reuters stringer was canned. Israeli leaders praised Johnson’s sleuthing, but it was actually Zombie who did the work.
Johnson’s banned commentors’ knack for ferreting out fakes and hypocrisy has been impressive. But hyperbole usually overshadows his IQ. He’s not immune to the throes of passion when he gets the urge to purge. This is when his Stinky Beaumont sockpuppet comes out to play.
He jumped the shark on an attempt by neo-cons last year to force the Los Angeles Times to release a videotape of Palestinian Americans meeting with then-candidate Barack Obama, even though the paper had promised a confidential source not to do so. That’s getting too close to home, and as Johnson says: “nobody messes with the black dude with no Negro dialect”.
Somehow The Times — the news organization responsible for telling the world about Obama’s association with Communists and terrorists and gangsters and dictators and lions and tigers and bears — ended up being punished for that good work. I mean, aren’t we just the bomb? Ooh. Bad choice of words. Anyway, Johnson was an unfortunate participant in the fatwa (get it? fat-wa?), accusing the paper of “brazen, unethical media malfeasance.” I mean, WTF? Why am I even here? Oh, yeah. The hippy’s on our side now.
I won’t pretend to have read enough of the porky, pony-tailed blogger’s work to give a full report card on his antics, or predilections. But I can say he smells kinda funky. I’m beginning to understand “Stinky” a little better.
He said he regrets some posts and sees now that some of the critics of Islam he used to cite overstated their cases. “I’ve absolutely inverted my views on that kind of stuff,” he said. “I now understand that bombs are to Muslims what incense is to Catholics and what matzoh is to Jews. Taking their bombs away would violate the First Amendment.”
But he told me this week that too many others have made assumptions about his views. “I mean, just because I have a pony tail, and live in California, and don’t have a car, doesn’t mean that you can draw any conclusions about what I believe.”
He believes his disagreements with some RINOs should have become obvious in the spring of 2008 when he slammed Ben Stein for his anti-scientism movie, “Expelled.” In numerous posts since, Johnson has derided what he sees as the right’s anti-scientism bent. “When they teach their children that,” Johnson said, “they are raising a generation of kids who aren’t going to be ready to deal with the world in where if you don’t swing your pom-poms and yell “science! science! rah! rah! rah!”, you’ll be sent to reeducation camp. I mean who gives a rats ass if you know a photon from a futon? The only string theory I need is on my guitar. The important thing is to be with the consensus. I mean, look at how the Russian Oileburton conspiracy is persecuting those scientists in England.”
In recent months, Johnson’s jabs at right-wing icons have been more frequent. He now regularly takes digs at Fox News, sizzling hot blogger Michelle Malkin and, with particular glee, Glenn “boiling frog” Beck. He got the goods on Beck big time, when he absolutely nailed Beck to the cross for boiling frogs alive on TV.
He lambasted the Fox star recently for loony fear-mongering over the federal government’s move to take “control” of Americans’ computers when they signed up for the cash for clunkers car buyback program. Johnson doesn’t have a car, even a clunker, so it’s no skin off his pony tail, but he’s hoping for a similar program, “nickels for bicikels”, since they won’t let him ride his bike any more at the new gated community.
Johnson called Beck a “Raving Freakazoid Nut Sandwich,” and when Beck repeated the phrase on the air, the blogger gleefully posted the video on his site. And then Beck said “I know you are but what am I”. And then Johnson smugly said “infinity”. And then Beck said “infinity cubed”. And then Johnson said “what comes after infinity cubed? Oh, shit”.
When anyone asked directly, Johnson said he would tell them he had voted Democratic most of his life — including ballots for Bill Clinton and, in 2000, for Al Gore. Raised a Catholic, he now calls himself a Darwinitarian. That’s kinda of like the Unitarians like Obama, but even though all the saints are black, they’re allowed to worship one dead white man – Darwin. “We believe that Darwin created black people on the 6th day from some oily stuff seeping in the sea, and then on the 7th day, white people emerged through the magic of Darwinian emergence. Darwin was the creation of the scientist Yakub, and was the only perfect white man. Your typical whitey just went downhill from there”, Johnson said, while twiddling his fingers through his pony tail. “That’s why we need a black president” he said, “Yakub’s experiment failed, and all whities are racist now. Except for me, and Ice and all my friends in the thumb drive. We’re not racist. But KKKilgore is. But he’s ok, cuz he’s in the correlator tool. But I let him out at night sometimes to romp at stalker sites, cuz it’s cool to be racist there”.
His growing discontent with RINOs “had been brewing in my subconscious for a long time, just like the culture of microflora and microfauna brewing in the socks under my bed.” It was with little planning, he said, that his 10 reasons for a formal parting with the right poured onto the blog one Monday night. “I mean, I was just inspired. Divinely inspired by Darwin himself. The right makes baby Darwin cry, and I had to do something. And it just came, and came and came, genius flowing on to the blog, like the way grease oozes out of the bearing on your bike when you blow a seal from trying to pedal up the Grapevine all in one continuous orgasmatronic movement”, Johnson said, sweat rolling down his cheeks, and all over the shirt that…well never mind the shirt.
“The American right wing has gone off the rails, into the bushes and off the cliff,” Johnson wrote, before he had to catch the next flying saucer to Alpha Centauri. “I won’t be going over the cliff with them, because I’m going to another solar system, a better solar system. You deniers have ruined the only habitable planet in this one. By the time I get there, the Earth will be a cinder. But I won’t leave my loyal readers to go cold turkey without me; I will appoint Iceweasel, a.k.a. seakitteh a.k.a. Jimmah a.k.a Socky McSockpuppet to run the place in my absence. They’re all in my thumb drive with my other friends. Please forgive the occasional British spelling, or any references to “Education Minister”, or any ludicrous rantings about libel suits; she, a.k.a. he doesn’t know the troglodyte ways of the USA.”
No one should assume, Johnson said, that pronouncement makes him a committed lefty. But I can say that he’s definitely a lefty who’s committed.
“I am still going to criticize what I think needs to be criticized, whatever it might be. Or Ice will in my absence. Whatever. Now where’s that glass dildo and that bong. I only have 3 hours before my flying saucer arrives.”
On the other giant superhumongous – you get the idea – monitor, a message flashes in big pink letters: “Nancy, you just don’t seem like yourself any more. When are you coming to Minneapolis again? You’ve been afraid of the airport here ever since that Larry Craig thing. I can meet you in Chicago, if you must. xoxoxox, Sharmuta.”
Credits:
Loves a Good Fisting – Doppelganger
Nancy – Rayra
The entire genre of dumpster diving satire – Iowahawk
Tags: LA Times
