Sometimes, the intense drama that a reader might discover on Charles Johnson’s LGF 1.0 is ten times better than those made-for-TV movies that show up on Lifetime, and the laughs five times more frequent than on Comedy Central…
Case in point, one of last night’s threads. It went off-topic pretty quickly (it was originally regarding creationism in politics), as the subject somehow turned to homosexuality and the Girl Scouts. But the fun in this 900+ comment marathon didn’t really get started until Killgore Trout mentioned something in #475 about mowing his “fat lesbian” neighbor’s lawn. The post earned him a net -5 karma score, and while Killgore was (presumably) outside mowing, the lizards piled on to him in subsequent comments for his lack of tact. Away from the computer and unable to defend himself, the blowback snowballed, eventually leading up to this rather groundbreaking comment from Dark Falcon:
Now, for some people, the hilarity of this comment may be difficult to put into words. I mean, to an outsider not familiar with LGF’s little +/- comment rating system, the statement may sound straight-up deranged. For others (especially those of us who are familiar with it), there’s a feeling that perhaps a grad student could write an entire thesis on the sociological and psychological aspects of a cyber culture that has embraced an enclosed system of gold stars and demerits to the point where the members actually use it on each other to deliver ultimatums. And the same person might wonder if there are files somewhere with charts, graphs and tables to help the administrator of such a system actually quantify the level and scope of group-think, peer pressure, and general butt-kissing.
In any case, since I don’t really have the time for a thesis, I’m going to cover the hilarity instead. To this end, I’m going to lay out a probable timeline of what happened beyond cyberspace, in the moments following Dark Falcon’s little bombshell…
First, note the 8:47:31 PM PST timestamp in the comment (we’ll call this H-hour):
8:48:42- Sparsely distributed across 3 continents, a collective “ooooohhh” is uttered by 127 LGFers (in unison).
8:48:56- Shocked and frozen, Sharmuta’s half-smoked joint falls from her fingers.
8:49:21- Losing control of his emotions, Walter L. Newton accidentally kicks his dog under his desk.
8:49:32- Gus 802 moves his cursor to upding Dark Falcon’s comment, pauses, then gets up from his chair.
8:50:37- From the basement, taxfreekiller growls: “Mom! I said one minute!!!“
8:51:36- Pacing across his room and rubbing his forehead, Gus 802 wonders if Johnson can tell that he almost updinged Falcon’s comment.
8:52:45- MandyManners’ unattended pot of water boils over.
8:52:55- FurryOldGuyJeans thinks that perhaps not everyone knows what “GFY” means, and contemplates spelling it out in the next comment.
8:53:08- After clicking “new comments” for the 22nd time in 3 minutes, Iron Fist decides to scoop out navel lint with his knife.
8:53:10- Motivated by an overwhelming feeling of uncertainty, Gus 802 tries to change the subject (post #563).
8:54:17- Cato the Elder pulls a muscle while reaching for the remote, in an quick attempt to pause The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers.
8:54:19- After logging out of LGF and closing the window (just to be sure), Gus 802 uses Google see if it is possible for webmasters to track cursor movement.
8:54:52- Having been completely motionless for 6 minutes, Sharmuta finally blinks her eyes, as smoke rises around her.
8:55:00- FurryOldGuyJeans thinks to himself “nah”, and instead posts an even less recognizable acronym (post #567).
8:55:10- Beaming with pride, Mich-again re-read his comment #554 for the 35th time.
8:55:28- taxfreekiller, now screaming: “MOM!!! I said ONE MINUTE!!!!”
8:55:55- To get his mind off what was unfolding before his eyes, Bobblehead registers a sockpuppet blog on WordPress.
8:56:24- Sharmuta’s face recoils from an unpleasant aroma, and she looks down to discover that the joint she dropped has ignited her stack of job application rejection letters.
8:56:31- A tear splashes onto WildIrishRose’s keyboard.
8:56:47- After “new comments” click #36, Iron Fist looks at his knife, and whispers to himself: “So beautiful, so magnificent“.
8:57:00- Having found nothing on Google, Gus 802 reopens LGF and logs back in.
8:57:01- Veins bulging, Walter L. Newton breaks the scroll wheel on his mouse.
8:57:15- Sharmuta looks at the flaming heap on her floor, then the beer on her desk, then her computer screen…. Flaming heap, beer, computer screen… Flaming heap, beer, computer screen…..
8:58:43- WildIrishRose’s keyboard absorbs its 10th tear.
8:59:29- Eighteen LGFers simultaneously consider “Killgore Trout got banned” contingency plans.
9:00:59- With her beer in one hand, and her mouse in the other, Sharmuta manages to extinguish the fire on her floor.
9:04:22- The 20 or so ex-LGFers hanging out @ Table 9 discover the thread, and laugh hysterically.
…or something like that…
