I stopped going to bars, even just to watch the games with friends, because when strangers meet me and find out what I do, there are always two scenarios that result:
1. A long winded tale of either themselves or a friend being wronged by someone, something, or the government at large, always ending with the phrase, “so I have a case, right”? (My answer, knowing the clogging of the California Superior Court system by fools like this and realizing Judge Judy isn’t willing to take all of them off our hands, is to say “maybe, but if you lose you’ll have to pay the other side’s fees and costs” or “nah, not really.”)
2. An indignant snotting that they have been called for jury duty. God forbid you should be inconvenienced for the rights of others to be judged by their peers.
Of the former, there is one that really stands out. This wasn’t in a bar, though, it was some years ago, when the mother of one of Football Savant Offspring’s friends came to pick him up. They wanted to finish a video game, so I foolishly offered a glass of wine. The woman immediately launched into a tale of how they all went to Disneyland a few months ago and upon entry, her older boy was taken aside and searched and told to put on a t-shirt. I’d seen the “older boy” – he was tatted up like an MS-13 gang initiation with the wardrobe to match. Sure enough, that’s what he was wearing: Tank undershirt, pants drooping down revealing 2 inches of boxer shorts – all in all perfectly dressed for the Yard at San Quentin; not so much the Magic Kingdom. Someone ran to one of the Main Street shops and purchased a Disney-sanctioned t-shirt (I’ll assume since the biggest bad-asses in the Disney World are the Pirates of the Caribbean, it had a Yo Ho theme to it). He put it on, covering up the offending Hanes, and went into the park.
After about an hour, the rebel without a clue removed the shirt, threw it in the trash and continued through the Park. He was stopped awhile later by security, who called in his name and discovered sure enough, he’d been advised by security upon entry that he could not wear Couture du South Central. They ejected him. Period. The rest of the group left as well. No refunds, by the way. At a place with a hefty admission.
So mom thought she had a case against Disney. Uh, no. They had explained the dress code to your delinquent asshole. He complied; until he decided to be a tough guy. The Mouse doesn’t dick around. “But discrimination!” Sorry, Dressing like the Crips is not covered under Title VII.
As far as getting out of jury duty, here are some dandy behaviors I’ve seen in the past
- Ignore the warnings about how to dress. Show up like you’re going to the beach. Bonus points for swim trunks. If you’re female, dressing like you’re about to go to work the South Side of Geary Street is always good. Of course, there are some judges who don’t take very kindly to this. I’ve seen one actually hold the offendee in contempt, and proceeded to tell them they would not have been deemed to have shown up. Getting chastised by the Bench in front of a roomful of strangers is never a day-making experience. I had one judge in Solano County tell Harriet the Hooker to come back at 4:00. Bring a toothbrush.
- If a criminal trial, voir dire will involve one inevitable question. “Would you believe the testimony of a police officer over the testimony of a conflicting witness?” My response to this question is always “not necessarily; I would weigh the testimony and the credibility of each witness on its own merits.” (This explains why I am ALWAYS seated on a criminal jury). To get off, either say you wouldn’t believe the “pigs” if their tongues came notarized or you say that you would always believe a police officer. The former gets you bounced by the prosecutor and a lot of stink eye from the cops in the vicinity. All you can hope for is that they didn’t catch your “name”. The latter freaks out defense counsel. Either way, you’re gone. Also in the case of the former, the potential juror will inevitably relate to all and sundry the reason for their mistrust of the police, believing the gallery will nod their heads in sympathy with their maltreatment at the hands of the Po Po. Not me, I just smirk and think (yeah, he had it comin’).
- If a criminal trial, say you’ve read all about the case and you think the defendants are completely guilty. Everyone will love you for this, since it can be argued you have contaminated the entire jury pool.
- Civil trials are harder to get out of. For one thing, there probably hasn’t been a boatload of pre-trial publicity, there is no police involvement (usually) and they only give you the bare bones of the dispute. I don’t get seated a lot at civil trials. For one thing, I am not going to be easily wowed by a lot of legalese and grandstanding; second, I know every trick these clowns are going to pull out of their brief bags. Here’s a story (yeah, I know….ANOTHER ONE?).I got called for jury duty for a civil matter. Jury was just about seated and I was in the box for alternates (no matter how minor the case, there is ALWAYS at least ONE alternate, usually two). This was your basic “whiplash” case involving two slip and fall lawyers, both of whom were rather annoyed during voir dire to learn that I had never heard of them. Previous questioning had centered on the fact that all medical testimony would be coming from a chiropractor rather than other medical professionals. This is a red flag for me – I know all about the incestuous relationship between shysters and chiropractors. I’m sure they perform a public service to those that use them; but in the age of the CAT scan, the PET scan and the MRI, I’m thinking if something is that wrong with you that you require compensation, there better be an M.D. taking the stand at one point.
In any event, Judge Oliver asked me if I had been following the voir dire; I had; was there any question that I would particularly like to address?; there was. “Counsel for plaintiff asked if any of the jury pool would never use the services of a chiropractor. I would answer that question in the affirmative.” At that point, plaintiff’s counsel asked me directly – “why is that?” I refer you back to my remark about red flags in the previous paragraph. That would have been my answer. However, I looked at the judge and said “are you directing me to answer that, Your Honor?” Judge Oliver was really quick. He knew exactly what would happen if I did – the entire jury pool would hear a me basically call the plaintiff’s case bogus and here’s the 24 reasons why you shouldn’t believe his witness. Oliver said “she doesn’t OWE you an explanation, counselor. She merely said she would not use a chiropractor. Make of that what you will.”
I was home in 10 minutes.
