Never mind which level of Hell they’re on…
The ancient fortress appeared almost pristine for once. Tapestry from throughout the ages lined the stone walls, and the place was packed with thousands upon thousands of the most Evil individuals in all of human history, feasting and breaking out into song to commemorate their deeds…and also to sing the praises of their Ultimate Leader.
At the head of the great fortress’ hall sat a number of folks who curried the favor of The Infernal One, and as such, received more breaks from their eternal punishments than the rest of the damned souls: They all appeared in perfect health!
Saddam Hussein, his sons Uday and Qusay, his cousin Ali Hassan al-Majid, along with Yasser Arafat, the Ayatollah Khomeini, Muammar al-Gaddafi, and Osama bin Laden, all dining on the largest chickens they had ever seen here.
Adolf Hitler feasted on massive roast eggplant while sitting next to Genghis Khan with a massive plate of beef. For once, he was not repulsed to seeing the beef, which was also being consumed by Tom Zarek.
John Murtha and Ted Kennedy were slated to be treated to pork, more pork, and even more pork…although the former Senator from Massachusetts was too busy downing more scotch! In any case they were used to it and were finally happy. Fortunately, they were kept away from Saddam’s contingent for good reason
Charles Foster “Icarus” Johnson stuffed his face with what seemed to be endless supplies of Mountain Dew and Cheetos galore. Lost in the crowd were Fred Phelps, Iceweasel and Killgore Trout, some other models with grievous sins, and other humans who were mainly vassals or servants of some authority.
And at the very center of the table sat John Cavil. One seat to his right was empty, being reserved for the Prince of Darkness. When the time came, he stood up and raised his hands for all to see, and the crowd fell slient. Everyone in the Infernal Realm heard and saw this broadcast.
“The time has come, my friends,” said the Number One Cylon, “to bring in our patron! The ruler of this realm! THE INFERNAL ONE!”
The crowd roared as he materialized at the center chair! While the Muslim contingent immediately bowed down in worship mode chanting “Iblis Akbar!”, Saddam remained standing and gasped. During the cacophony of the celebration he said, “You look NOTHING like I experience every day!”
The Infernal One smiled. “What…you expect me to appear like my demonic creations with an anvil-shaped genitalia 24/7? This is, after all, my true self. Even I need a break!”
This appeared to ease Saddam’s fears…and he too bowed down to worship him.
The deafening cheers continued. Iblis then raised his hands to quite the minions, and they fell silent. “Today…I have granted you all a special reprieve from your eternal penalties! In exchange, my left-hand man,” placing his left hand on Cavil’s right shoulder, “has graciously offered to share with you all his ultimate experience from so long ago. BRING IT FORTH!”
The crowd cheered, not knowing what was to occur next. This went on for five minutes and suddenly, a strange craft materialized in the crimson skies directly above the ancient fortress. The cheering turned to muttering, when at last, the strange craft launched a single object which approached at incredible velocity, yet the time seemed to pass at a snail’s pace…so they all beheld the object: a multiple independently targetable reentry vehicle.
The strange craft then launched more of these, all of which vectored off to the various cities all over Hell.
Cavil shrugged his shoulders. “Sorry I couldn’t retrieve any of my base ships.” He pointed upward. “All those hybrids touched you-know-who! This was the best I could do on such short notice.”
“That’s quite all right,” replied Iblis. “Let’s sit back and enjoy the moment, shall we?” They did so, as the muttering morphed into sheer panic.
Everyone scurried about, desperately seeking shelter…except for Charles Johnson, who kept munching on Cheetos and slamming down even more Mountain Dew. He erroneously continued to think this was just another game scenario…until he finally realized this was for real. He screamed, “Oh SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!”
The MIRV stopped, now floating…or so it seemed to the damned. The last thing they saw was a blinding white flash…and the last thing they felt was the flesh melting away from their bones….