My thanks to Alberta Oil Peon for his suggestion!
Never mind which level of Hell they’re on…
“You gotta be kidding me!” Saddam exclaimed under his breath as he rushed to the central command hub of the base ship. After the last debacle which transformed him, Barney Frank, Fred Phelps, and John Cavil into pillars of salt, the former Iraqi dictator was very loathe to step foot onto the abomination which it had become.
But, a request from his boss (not necessarily The Devil) was not simply a request, and so he went straightaway.
Fifteen minutes later (considered immediate in the Infernal Realm), Saddam arrived, and he found Cavil in the darkened control tub location. “OK Cavil! Who have you conjured up this time?”
The Number One Cylon laughed. “I assure you no conjuration was necessary. She just arrived today.” He plugged the cable in and the tank lit up the entire room.
“Son of a bitch! HELEN THOMAS!” He silently thanked both his bosses that he didn’t have to throw his shoe like he wanted to do with Nancy Pelosi back in the day. “Man, you sure work fast!”
“You’re welcome,” replied Cavil. “By the way, the Boss will still have her fulfill her Punishment Battalion duties when needed. At least we now have fresh DNA instead of a transmitted sequence the last two times I tried this.”
“Awaiting instructions,” said the Hybrid. The ship throbbed.
“So,” Cavil inquired. “Who would you like to invite to this unveiling?”
Saddam had to think for a moment. “I have two people in mind, both of whom were her peers when she began her career at the White House. May I go and fetch them?”
“Certainly,” smiled the Toaster.
Thirty minutes later (not considered immediate), the Iraqi returned with Ted Kennedy and Fidel Castro! The Senator thoughtfully brought along his best bottle of scotch when Saddam asked him to attend. The Cuban dictator dutifully carried a box of cigars and a lighter.
Cavil retrieved some shot glasses from a nearby cupboard in his office, poured out the scotch (sans ice of course), and passed them around.
“WHOOOOAAAAHHHH!” Kennedy happily muttered. “I’m not even gonna ask.”
“Good thing too, Comrade Ted,” Castro replied. “If there’s one…ahem!…good thing I can say about The Opposing One, He knows who to send our way.”
“Indeed.” Cavil was even enjoying the cigar, the scotch, and the company, a rarity for him.
After another fifteen minutes, everyone was satisfied. “Let us begin,” said The Number One Cylon. “Hybrid…status, please.”
“A teacher praised my work, and I liked the bylines..all systems nominal, FTL online, weapons systems online…When you’re having fun, why stop having fun…end of line.”
Saddam shook his head. “Don’t look at me. I know better!”
“Comrade Fidel?” Cavil shook his head. “I suppose I owe you one after the unceremonious matter in which you arrived here.”
“Thank you.” Castro placed his hands into the nearby data stream water console, and simply said, “I miss Havana.”
Ted Kennedy gasped. “Holy Crap! We can’t go there! That’s outside the Infernal Realm!”
Cavil stroked his chin. “An interesting choice, actually. Hmmm….”
The Hybrid complied. “We won’t really know what will happen until it happens…JUMP!” The Hybrid arched its back in ecstatic transition. One moment the base ship serenely floated above the ancient fortress…
…the next, it appeared over the exact same coordinates. Except inside the ship, the atmospheric pressure was rapidly dropping! Cavil, Saddam, Kennedy, and Castro began to turn blue as they reached for the next breath which would never come; not even the Number One Cylon had a chance to utter his last words as the Hybrid issued its status since it was unharmed.
“I’m a liberal, I was born a liberal, and I will be a liberal till the day I die…internal life support offline, FTL offline, weapons systems offline…Oh my God, they’re going to fire me…end of line.”
In a corner of the control tank area, two figures observed the Centurions enter to retrieve the corpses; since the Bulletheads did not rely on oxygen, it was simply business as usual for them.
“Will they ever learn?” said the male.
The female shook her head. “I highly doubt it.” Then they vanished.
