There once was a time when giving testimony to a Congressional Committee was a serious affair.  HUAC.  McCarthy.  Keefauver.  Quiz Show Scandals.  Valachi.  You look at the old recordings.  Serious men (and occasionally women) giving testimony in earnest, laying the facts before equally serious men and women.  The nation’s business and the nation’s interests, taken seriously by those charged with its oversight and care.

Now we get idiot celebrities like Sally Field lecturing us on the problems of the independent small widder woman farmer, because she starred in a movie – Places in the Heart.  I guess having an ACTUAL widder woman farmer testify without the benefit of a Hollywood script was just not camera-worthy.  Or Meryl Streep expounding on the dangers of pesticides.  Because her credentials as a chemical engineer and the possible dangers of contaminants are so widely recognized.

But this week, Congress outdid itself.  Fresh off the national TV buttkicking they received at the hands of one Corey Lewendowski, they couldn’t help themselves.  They paraded an autistic hand puppet from Sweden, whose parents are so brilliant they thought bringing her to the American shores in a racing boat in the middle of the Atlantic hurricane season was a stroke of brilliance.  Post-testimony, she and her parents sported pro-Antifa t-shirts, which is REALLY going to endear them to the American people.

Then we got the drama queen that was so riddle with angst over the destruction of the planet that she lives in a perpetual state of fear and can’t complete her college applications.  Okay.  Well, don’t complete them, Sarah Bernhardt.  Think of the 0ppressive college debt you won’t incur and you can get a head start on your future career as a manager of Starbucks.  I have a feeling you weren’t going to major in meteorology anyway.

This was all capped off with a “skip school” day to march for climate change.  That was largely ignored by everyone except useful idiots, politicians and Jack Dorsey at Twitter.  I have a feeling that on the coasts, the majority of the absent students were at the beach, Disneyland and Coney Island.

I don’t like being preached to by this latest generation of sheep whose only achievement so far in life was passing their driver’s license road test.  But as OUR parents used to say, time to put your money with your mouth is.  So for those climate angst ridden sad sacks, I offer your redemption.  You want to stop the climate from changing, here is YOUR “Green New Deal”.

(1)  Bicycle or walk everywhere.  To school.  To the mall.  To the movies.  And forget vacations.  No more flying on those evil plans.  Hope there’s lots of fun things to do within a 50-mile radius.  Although if you want to do Spring Break in Ft. Lauderdale, I think if you start walking now, you’ll be there in time.  Exhausted.  But you’ll be there.

(2).  Oh, and forget being warm in the winter and cool in the summer.  After all, air conditioning and heat are KILLING! THE! PLANET!  Bundle up, homies. After all, those Eskimos that are desperately trying to stay out of sight of the increasing Polar Bear population LIVE in houses made of ice – certainly you can put on some layers and get through those 25-degree nights.  Same goes for summer – have you SEEN how those desert nomads dress in the summer?  Surely you can muscle through without living in a home cooled to a comfortable 72.

(3). And when you ask Mommy and Daddy for that car on your sixteenth birthday (and you KNOW you will, you little hypocrites), be prepared to be gifted with a Prius with about two to three years of battery life left.  You didn’t think you were going to get one of those nifty electric/hybird/natural gas wonders, did you?  Have you seen the price tag on those things.  You could have purchased a house for that amount of money in the 80’s.  And when the battery finally dies, enjoy the $15,000 replacement battery price tag and start formulating your prayer of apology to Mother Gaia for dumping the old one into her.

(4). If any of you think having a tofu burger is going to be as satisfying as a Whopper, then your taste buds are as impaired as your emotional development.  By the way, it’s only BEEF cows that fart?  DAIRY cows don’t? Or are you planning to do away with those as well?  If so, you can explain to the future generations of children who suffer from poor nerve myelinization because milk fats weren’t available to complete the process by the tw0-year developmental deadline.  And kiss ice cream goodbye.  And sorry, ice cream should be its own food group.  Like bacon.  And chocolate

(5). You may only use power derived for renewable resources.  All I can say is it’s going to be VERY hard to charge that iPhone when the Earth Goddess dumps two feet of snow on your solar panels.  Or, if you live in California – when you get three weeks of rain after Jerry Brown PROMISE you the drought was never going to end.

(6)  You may use NOTHING that is derived from petroleum products.  Shopping should be done in five minutes at Forever 21.

I’m sure to the Climate Change Chicken Littles I’m a nasty ol’ mean granny who doesn’t care that their angst ridden over their future and the future of the planet.  I mean the ocean could rise a FOOT and the temperature could rise one DEGREE in the next 100 years (brought to you by the same people who two weeks ago couldn’t accurately predict the path of a hurricane).

You’re right.  I wouldn’t understand what it’s like to think the world was going to end.  I only had to live with the Cold War and the shadow of the mushroom cloud.  And those 13 days one October when Russia was attempting to park nuclear missiles 90 miles away from Miami.