I love court shows. Not the Dick Wolfe “Law and Order in Your SUV” (t/m Rush) but the small claims variety – Judge Judy, The People’s Court. On my occasional day off, I tend to check them out (I don’t do the DVR of these; they end up piling up in the memory because I have no interest in watching them when I get home from dealing with “real cases, real litigants who have filed an action in a court of law.” Because those “real litigant” guys are generally a pain in the a**.
The only possible explanation anyone could have for coming on these shows are one of two: (1) the show gives you a free trip to L.A. or New York and pays your judgment, if any (thereby teaching you NOTHING about personal responsibility) or (2) your chance to act like a lawyer on national television. Because these are essentially small claims cases and in most states, lawyers are not permitted to represent litigants. Some states, like New York, allow the DEFENDANT the services of a lawyer; if you’re the plaintiff, good luck.
These cases fall into general categories – Loans, Cell phones, Messy Tenants. Oh, and Fender Benders. In each of these, the ones who are there for their Perry Mason moments look foolish.’
1. Loans. Usually this is a woman who has continually lent her now ex-boyfriend a considerable sum of money over a period of time. Okay, if you start dating a guy and after two weeks he starts telling you his money problems, walk don’t run to the nearest exit. Because you’re about to get tapped. Repeatedly. First it’s a new tire. Then his TV set is on the fritz – and oh, he can’t make his car payment. And the loan amount keeps increasing. But there is no payment. When asked why you continually loaned him money, you’re response is that you TRUSTED him – oh, and that he said he’d pay your back when he got his tax return. Yeah, honey, when it’s July, that tax return has come and gone. By now, the amount he owes you is so great that he needs to break up with you – a move which makes him believe he is absolved of all responsibility since “we were a couple, your honor.” Oh and the excuse for not paying is that “well, I did things for her too. I washed her car…..” This is only useful if you’re also planning to wash all the cars of the employees of PG&E in return for payment of the electric bill that she wasn’t able to pay because she helped you catch up on your rent. One judge told the victim – “you kept lending him money even after he failed to pay you back. YOU have to accept some responsibility for being an idiot.”
2. Cell Phones. Also usually a woman getting either her boyfriend or her good friend a cell phone on HER plan. This is to help out because they are unable to get their own cell phone due to – get ready for it – bad credit. And in our modern society, a cell phone is essential – ask Obama – he made sure everyone in America who voted for him had one and that you, as a responsible cellular consumer, paid for it. And of course, the “friend” isn’t going to want the cheap smart phone from LG or Motorola – no, no, they’re going to want that top of the line Samsung or iPhone that can conveniently be financed in 30 monthly payments – on YOUR bill, which also commits you to at least a two-year contract. And when said friend doesn’t come through with paying the monthly charges said line accumulates, YOU are on the hook for it. Sure you can de-activate the line – but now you get to pay for the cost of the phone and the remainder of the contract. The friend’s excuse is usually along the lines of “I never saw a bill.” But in the end the Judge asks the plaintiff – “What part of they had bad credit and therefore couldn’t get a phone didn’t send up a red flag for you?
3. Messy Tenants. Actually, these are two varieties – the pig who leaves the rented property a filthy mess and the landlord has had to evict them for past-due rent or landlords who are holding security deposits because they really don’t want to give them back. These are the ones I really love, because one side or the other customarily makes a great show of handing up to the bench the state or municipality’s codes on housing. Of course, when you Google “law regarding….” it gives you one code section. It doesn’t give you the other code sections that mitigation or define. “Here your honor – I present to you (with appropriate flourish) a copy of California Civil Code 189.0, which states that I only have to give them 30 days’ notice!” And if you’d read further, idiot, you’d see that that subsection 189.0(f) stated that if they had occupied the dwelling for more than a year, you needed to give 60 days notice.
One of my all-time favorite Civilian Barrister moments is the The Dick Van Dyke Show; the one where Rob goes to small claims court over four pillows. Pillows. And he then proceeds to utilize every Perry Mason expression imaginable. Especially “if it please the court.” Happily I found it on YouTube, and what the hell – watch (or even just listen) while you’re in front of the monitor (and see if you can catch the reference to “The Defenders: (for those of us over 50) in the process: (Hint – fast forward to the courtroom scenes – they really are priceless). And as always, this is your open thread for Sunday, so please – let’s have some fun!
